There's campaign cash in brides

Barack Obama was so flush with campaign loot four years ago that he wouldn't even take the government's money. He was confident that he could play the dairy farmer and milk Democratic cows on his own. He was right. There were cash cows aplenty.

But that was then and this is now, and many of his most reliable cows have gone dry. So he has to come up with novel and even bizarre ways to raise money. To that end, he's inviting everyone who still has a taste for hopey-changey to sign up for "the Obama event registry." It's sort of like a gift shower for newlyweds, or couples expecting an addition to the family. Only different.

An online "Obama Event Registry" asks Democrats whether "you've got a birthday, anniversary, or wedding coming up." Even raiding the festivities at a civil union ceremony will do, which may explain the president's convenient crush on gays, lesbians, bisexuals and the "transgendered." ("Transgender" presumably means "trans-sexual," since gender is none of your business unless you're a noun or a verb).

"Let your friends know how important this election is to you," the president says in his wedding letter, "register with Obama 2012, and ask [your friends] for a donation in lieu of a gift. It's a great way to support the president on your big day. Plus, it's a gift that we can all appreciate ­ and goes further than a gravy bowl [he means a gravy "boat"). Setting up and sharing your registry page is easy ­ so get started today."

This will be the ultimate thrill, or at least the second-biggest thrill, for many a summer bride. And not just as a substitute for a gravy "bowl," but with the usual china place settings, silverware, crystal goblets, wine racks, biscuit tins, mixing bowls, cheese slicers, blenders, sterling silver asparagus tongs, laundry hampers, bath towels (matching His and Hers, His and His, and Hers and Hers) and all the other accessories and accumulations guaranteed to make a happy and lasting marriage. Who needs all that stuff, anyway? ...